i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
