why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
