can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
