You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
