So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
