My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
