On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
