i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
