I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think my moral compass just broke
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
