3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
