it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
