Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
