Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I wear drunk well.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
