I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Randomize
