Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
