I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
