mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
