Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
