Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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