he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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