I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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