It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
