im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
