Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
