i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
