Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
