Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
