He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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