my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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