Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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