i already hear my dad disowning me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
