There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
