i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
