i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
please come you make the beer taste better
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
