We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
