when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
