dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
