I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
