I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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