omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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