I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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