the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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