I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
