I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
