I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
