the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
