I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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