Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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