After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
