I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
