I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i was born a porn star she said
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
